What are we doing??

We send our children to school for hours on end and expect them to learn math, science, language and all manners of things without realizing that learning happens naturally. We know that guidance is required, skills are taught but learning is innate and natural. We are born with the desire to “know” and “learn”. It’s an instinct. This is why traditional school systems have been failing our young learners. Simply due to systematic expectations and ordinary education.

Our children are inventive, creative, imaginative with boundless energy and so many unhinged talents and strengths. Creative genius is the single, untapped global resource that is found in early childhood. We view our children as blank slates that need to be taught how to feel, think and create when they are born with unimaginable powers and incredible intuition. Why are limiting them by comparing them to others their age? Why are we desiring them to formulate ideas at the same rate and pace as others? Why are we forcing our children to become “normal” or “standard” when they are born to shine and burn with a fire that is unique and much needed in this world?

We are disempowering their natural tendencies towards greatness by limiting their access to the learning they need to be the optimized versions of themselves. Any traditional setting that is designed to manufacture learning in a large group setting with a collective goal is flawed and will eventually cause a series of traumatic self-esteem issues in our children. Fact is, we are all unique and we were all born to this world for a purpose. My strengths are not yours and your weaknesses are not mine. We must develop the urgent sense of awareness so we can stop the system from trying to make our children believe that they are “less” than others. Johnny does not learn math as quickly as Ted and Ted has no idea how to build a paper airplane as well as Johnny. We know that the world needs Johnny and Ted because one might end up as the engineer who designs the futuristic aircraft with the other.

All we seem to discuss lately are limitations. Disorders, therapies, accommodations, medicine and all other interventions that are targeting our child’s sense of self and falsely promises a redemption and restoration to “normalcy”. What is normal? Why is our definition of intelligence so depleted? Who is setting these guidelines and why are we so enamored with the idea of normalcy?
Has society forgotten that the true leaders, innovators, scientists, visionaries were NOT normal? They exhibited a brazen element of courage to blaze a trail that is unexplored and unintended. Normalcy may lead to a stable job with benefits but DIVERGENCE leads to excellence.

It is time we take a moment and reflect and gauge our own sense of fulfillment and happiness in what we are doing at this very moment. A few lucky ones are working the job of their dreams and pursuing their passions. The rest of us are weighed down by bills and financial responsibilities that compel us to work jobs just to pay expenses. How many of us have deferred dreams, vacations and purpose-driven missions because we simply must do what we must do. It is what it is…. right? WRONG!

This does not have to be the reality for our children. We, as parents, do everything in our might and power to assure a better life for our children. The irony is, we are training them to be exactly like us. To grow up in a word that is abscessed with ubiquitous ideologies about a false pretense and denotation of success. Personal success is being driven by your purpose. Purpose-fulfillment is the fundamental, key ingredient of a successful and contented life.

If we don’t stop our incessant need for our children to be like everyone else, they too, will end up working a job they abhor to pay bills. We need to focus. We need to pay attention to their proclivities, tendencies, passions and strengths. Our role as their parent is to celebrate them and allow them to manifest their own future through drowning them in love and acceptance.

Sit with your child and ask them questions about what they enjoy. Observe which activities bring genuine excitement and a pull of a smile from their lips that touches their eyes. Reflect on the person you wish you had become and abandon your idea of what you desire for them because you didn’t achieve those things that made you happy. This is their future. This is their life which they will continue on well after we are gone and delivered our mission to be their parent. What are teaching them? That math is the single ingredient they will need to succeed? That writing an essay will be their saving grace?

Why are so academically focused and maniacally attempting to produce children who are like everyone else? Why are we so emphatically denouncing the idea that children need freedom to explore, learn and develop their skills at their own pace and not at the command of a hierarchy?

I write this with much hope in my heart! I have witnessed the incredible breakthroughs that can occur if learning becomes more natural for children. I established my own learning environment that sought a way to expel all the prerequisite ideologies of education and integrate the holistic methods of coaching and mentoring. We are at the helm of a new world and there are a multitude of agendas that our children will have to battle. Inspiring future leaders cannot happen in a system of compliance. Allow them to understand that they have a voice and a choice. After all, they are the ones who will be running our countries, heading our research to cure disease, innovating new projects that will connect us in different ways, inventing new ways to travel and possibly teleport! The incredible creative genius of children is the single, untapped asset of our time… now that we know this, shouldn’t we honour it? Foster it? Cultivate it?

Please, I urge you, if your child is different, seek out a different way of education for them before they give up on school and learning altogether. Before they deceptively form a vilified sense of self and quickly decline into the abyss of depression and anxiety. Children should LOVE learning because it’s innate. As such, we need to provide them with the opportunity to learn at their own pace and engage their personal strengths.

Sylvia Badwi

Principal | Visionary

http://www.agoraprep.com

Motherhood in essence

How many times a DAY do you question yourself? Do you wonder if you are good enough, if you did enough, if you are enough for your children? I ask myself if I am as good of a mom as I could be hundreds of times a day. I realized that I am obsessing about it so much that it leaves little time for me to actually BE a good mom. So here is my sage wisdom which I seem to abundantly preach but can’t practice sometimes… GIVE YOURSELF GRACE! GYG… that’s the acronym.

There are many acronyms like YOLO, BFF, and others. So I decided to start our own…

Giving yourself grace makes you feel empowered. Telling yourself that “It’s ok today” and I am “the best I can be right now”. Your children want to see you as a vulnerable, humbled human without intervention and negative self-speak. So just rise above, reign over your fears and be powerful in your motherhood.

Extricate the doubts, silence the fears and just rule your maternal kingdom with as much muster and courage as you are able. Start each day with the mindset of power and try and remind yourself of all the amazing moments you are providing by simply being their mom. You are amazing. You were gifted with this child and it’s all part of a grand design for your life. You need to be reminded that your glory and legacy will reside in your mere existence. Your love and care will be carried on for generations to come. Your children will one day be parents and recall your cooking, baking, your smile, your laugh, your goofy jokes, your dance moves, your voice and the moments that made you cry. You are not a superhuman. You are a superhero to your children. You are their everything and they see you in a position of power so CLAIM IT!! Your impact is lasting and you should unequivocally express pride in getting this far. No matter the stage of motherhood you are in, please know that we are in this together. Everything you feel is shared within our maternal hearts. You are an incredible human being and I am here to vouch for you!

Until next time.

Smartignani

Wow.

Hey.

It’s been a while.

More motherhood adventures ahead, but first, some fears.

It’s been two excruciating years filled with fears, anxieties, irrational and illogical conundrums and many, many, many “huh?” moments.

I am speaking, of course, about the Covid 19 pandemic. Do you every just sit there and say “What WAS that?”

Was it a reset? A wake up call? A chance for families to explore whether or not they enjoy each others’ company all day, every day without the interruption of anything?

Was it a mental wellness check or a mental illness-incitation?

I don’t know the answer to any of these queries but I do one thing… the IMPACT.

Wow.

It was agregiously anxiety-inducing and incredibly detrimental to youth and children’s mental health.

The stories that are shared with me and the amount of people reaching out to me to share their stories is harrowing and depressing. This pandemic, along with the lockdowns and the divisiveness that the vaccinations caused were impossibly dualistic, hyporcritical and disheartening to the very fibers of our world and our communities, let alone our young, impressionable generation of growing minds and souls.

I have to say this and I am not sure if I will be getting a backlash, but we need to focus less on divisive topics that centre around children’s self-image and place our attention instead on creating an environment where children are celebrated, encouraged, empowered and enriched. A world that disempowers disabilities and differences and instead focuses deliberately on our similiraties and shared values.

A fertile ground for creative genius, healthy debates, respectful discussions, emotional awareness, mental health education and REHABILITATION.

Our kids survived the last two years but they are not unscathed. They are brutally affected.

This was evident in an excercise we did with our students in grades 4-8 last year that challenged them to think of the three types of possible futures (cyber punk, steam punk and solar punk). Instead of exploring different variables of what he future could look like… there were panic attacks, tears, screams, attempts at escape and violent reactions ranging from hopelessness and despair to a complete nervous breakdowns. Students were rushing to the washroom to cry and they were all asking “What’s the point? We are all going to die!”

“What’s the point?”

“We are all going to die!”

Verbatim.

Yeah. So that happened. We had to get a psychotherapist in the school to provide therapy and meditation excercises for our children and youth. My heart still remembers the angst, anguish and unimaginable, intensity of the heightened emotions in the space. It was one of the saddest scenes I have ever witnessed.

Today, we are better. Our students are back to normal and trying to relearn to relate to one another and regain their hopes.

Today we are trying to live without fear again.

Dream again.

Believe again.

We are trying to reestablish trust in our future. Raise and inspire future leaders.

Oh hey, cancel culture, let’s cancel fear. There’s an idea.

Smartignani

How Agora Prep is changing my life…

My son can spell and read!

I conceived of the idea in 2001 while writing my 4th year paper in Education on Engaged Learning. I was trying to conceptualize an alternative learning environment that will mobilize children’s imagination, empower their learning and apply their incredible vision for the future to the actual future

My project at the time was to envision and outline a “school” that encouraged learners to be engaged so fully and completely. A “school” that still gave instruction in the fundamental core subjects like arithmetic and literacy but also empowered students to learn at their own pace. Agora Prep was born in September 2001 and I had no idea then, that it would come to fruition 19 years later!

My essay was wholly based on an alternative way of perceiving learning. Shifting the paradigm of traditional schooling on it’s head. Allowing students to make the choice of what they want to learn and use this as a catalyst for their learning. I outlined my ideology and substantiated my argument with actual studies and ample statistics from various IBL theories (Inquiry Based Learning). I achieved perfect marks on those essays and I happen to have the essays with me at work for nostalgia and a reminder that once a dream is dreamt, it should be achieved.

I approached two amazing people in my life to present my idea in 2020. They understand business and education. They are educated, experienced and trustworthy. I pitch the idea and my heart is doing flips, my stomach is in knots, I am immobilized by my fear that they may not like the idea!!

They were silent for a moment and I was waiting for their reaction. They both smiled and almost simultaneously told me that they were envisioning something similar and that they wished this kind of learning was available when they were younger! I was eternally grateful and my heart leapt for joy. This was it, my chance to revisit, construct and implode an idea I conceived 19 years prior. Little did I know that this, too, was written in their hearts and minds as well. We are truly “equally yoked”

We decided to “pilot” the concept at my partner’s daycare centre in Mississauga. My son started senior kindergarten there in September 2020.

He is on the right with me and that is my partner and CEO of Angelic Treasures Christian Daycare, Angie Girgis with her grandson, Atticus. This was their first day at “school” which we decided to name Agora Prep.

So what makes this transformational and life-changing for me? It’s more than just a vision that came true or a dream that was realized; it was everything I ever wanted for my own children!

Agora Prep was built on the precept that children are capable of choosing their learning. It is constructed in a way that allows teachers to become coaches of learning. A concept that is outlined in 400 pages of Ontario Ministry Curriculum yet often times falls short of its projected inspiration. It is a learning environment built to encourage children to dream and ask questions. A place that allows the student to identify their areas of interests, no matter what those interests are. Based on their interests, be it Dinosaurs or Trains or Bridges or Buildings, coaches will use these topics as the launch pad into instruction of math, language, drama, science, music, finance, art and all other types of core subjects.

On his first day, my 4 year old son described the various parts of the brain including the cerebellum, frontal cortex and brain stem. In his second week, he was proudly explaining the difference between deciduous and coniferous trees. He was also counting to 1000 in French and adding 5 or 6 numbers together on the calculator. They were combining activities that allowed them to discuss velocity, angles, architecture and gravity. They experimented with fractions and measurement while baking cookies. He learned about the various states of matter while doing an activity with ice cubes and he astounded me with his new found knowledge about the various properties of suspension bridges.

My heart was full. I can’t describe the amount of learning that happens when you place accessible, educational activities within a child’s reach. When you ask them to lead their learning and expand on their interests. The incredible engagement and limitless ideas stemming from the child’s own imaginings and innate capacity for curiousity.

In our ongoing efforts to expand on this model, my wonderful partners, Wess Doss and Angie Girgis, have delved into this world of educational shifting with me and I can’t be more humbled nor grateful. They are both entrenched and equally passionate about this philosophy of learning. Now it has become a team of executives that wish to change the world one Agora Prep at a time and one child at a time. We are seeking a location that will see Agora Prep being offered to children in grades 1 to 8 and I am elated with the anticipated learning that will take place!

I feel like my dreams have taken flight. My son is completely engaged in learning and has exceeded his sisters in grades 2 and 4 with his knowledge acquired thus far. The coaches in the room are equally shocked at the amount of learning happening when it is purely child-led. They both have Masters’ Degrees in Education and they never realized how this model can be so effective.

This is no traditional school. This is a dream come true that will inspire life-long learning, functional skills, entrepreneurship and future global leaders.

I truly believe that if we build it, they will come. And now it’s your turn. Please reply to this one questions I have for you in the comments:

What kind of environment would you have like to have while learning in your early years? What would you have liked to learn?

With love, Smartignani

http://www.agoraprep.com (visit us to learn more about our learning environment)

What the Coronovirus is Teaching Me…

In these times of uncertainty due to a global pandemic, here is what I am learning:

1. You can either absorb negativity and project it or exude positivity and accept it
2. You can either choose to spend time with your kids and consider it a gift or complain about school/daycare closures and consider it a punishment
3. You can either complain about public places closing or enjoy the company of your family and yourself (where applicable) at home
4. You can either hoard basic essential materials or help your fellow human being by providing them with what they need to survive this crises
5. You can either spread fake news, bad news or fear-mongering information or you can preach peace through sharing strategies, ideas, suggestions and hope
6. You can either be thoroughly fearful or unapologetically faithful
7. You can choose to wallow in anxiety-inducing thoughts or focus your mind on what you can accomplish in this time of “mandated vacation time”
8. You can be completely distracted by how much you cannot do or choose to catch up on everything you needed to do for a long time (sorting your photos, backing up your computer, cleaning the basement/attic, crafting, sewing, knitting, finishing that book you want to write or song you wanted to record)
9. You can choose to sob with sorrowful meditation or sing praises aloud at the top of your lungs
10. You can make this a traumatic event for your children or a memorable time of dancing and celebrating life while we have it

In the end, it’s your perspective that determines your attitude in this time of uncertain crisis. It’s your attitude that determines your altitude. Bloom where you are planted and remember that there is a blessing in every delay and in every catastrophe.

This is a time of choice. Make the right one.

Blessings,

Smartignani

Random Mommy Moments Part Deux

My three babies are not babies anymore! Look how much they’ve grown!

The last time I wrote mommy moment my eldest (8) was 5 and my middle (6) was 3 and my youngest (4) was a toddler. Where is the time going?

Anyways, just because they got older doesn’t mean they lost their humour. Here are some recent moments I would like to share with you:

I know I am blessed with my children but I feel the need to share these with you.

1. My 4 year old reminded me today that his peepee needs to “air out”- I don’t even know what that means??!
2. My 8 year old came home with another girl’s jewelry. When I asked her to give it back because we don’t take stuff from other people, she replied “Fine! But I look way better in this than she could EVER look!” – What? When did my daughter learn to be a diva?
3. My 6 year old informed me that she’ll be a mommy when she’s 14 because I am old and should be a grandma ASAP
4. My 4 year old son was crying because his two sisters were picking on him so he turned to them and loudly/confidently declared “Well, You are BOTH ugly!” and walked away. I heard the *Mic Drop*
5. My 6 year old forgot to wear underwear one night. Next morning upon discovery she looked at me and said “Mommy, for one night I felt so free”
6. My 6 year old often comes up with her own unique language. She called the box on top of our SUV the “bump”, Beauty and the Beast – “Booty and the beast” and she still calls Ketchup “Titchup”, and she calls the trumpet a “fluter”. Her foot is “fuzzing” (numbing) and her nipples are “buttons” – This girl stole my heart a long time ago!
7. My 8 year old sings like opera singer. All the time. Then she turns to me and says, “I should get paid for letting you hear me sing” – Seriously?
8. I read my 4 year old a bedtime story about apples. Then I said “Red Apple and Grannysmith Apple” – he looks at me and sternly says “Nu uh, that’s not a grannysmith apple, that’s a green apple- try again mama. You are not right” I chose my battles. I admitted to my mistake.
9. I work from home and do some travelling and my children always see me dressed up with make-up on. My 8 year old said “When I grow up, I wanna be just like you. A boss lady who does nothing except puts make-up on and just drives everywhere to meetings”
10. My 4 year old, when asked what does mommy do? He replies “Changes diapers” (I own my own daycare franchise business).

Director’s Spotlight- Sylvia Badwi Martignani

Welcome to my blog. If you don’t know me, my name is Sylvia and I am a Christian daughter, sister, wife, mother of three, Educator, Teacher, Public Servant, writer, blogger and Entrepreneur.

I graduated from College then University then went on to pursue my Master’s Degree in Education. I have designed courses for the Federal Government, helped raise money for health charities through HealthPartners and I have purchased and sold businesses since I was 23 years old. I was an Oxford Learning Centre franchisee from 2005 to 2016. In my role as centre director of two locations, I mentored, coached, facilitated, moderated, hired, fired, managed and monitored many teachers, managers, directors and employees. I have also led the Greeter’s Ministry at our local church, volunteered to be a Board Member for a Church Daycare and assisted several hundred people with their resumes, essays, entrance applications to Post-Secondary Education as well as taught some professionals English so they can attain their designation/equivalency.  I write a column called “Family Corner” in the Good News Journal (Christian Paper) and I blog. As if all this is not time-consuming, I am one half of an amazing female duo that established the franchising of Christian quality childcare centres. Along with my fabulous partner, Angela Girgis, we are on a mission to expand God’s Kingdom and Preach His Love and Bible Testament to the far-reaching corners of our world. We offer quality, educational, virtuous childcare services that are solely instituted to make an “IMPACT” on our world. We hire local and we participate in all opportunities to support our communities through volunteerism and charity donations. We support Samaritan’s Purse, Yonge Street Mission, Vita Centre, Compassion.ca, SickKids Hospital, Food Banks, the Salvation Army, Canadian Cancer Society, Diabetes Canada, and many many more. Our goal is to build a viable business infrastructure to support Mamapraneurs while leaving a sustainable legacy of positive impact on our world.

Many people ask me, all the time, how do you manage it all? I have three children ages 3, 5 and 7 years old. I have a husband who is training for his black belt in karate and playing hockey in a Christian men’s league. I also paint, take piano lessons and do some knitting on the side. I am a sometimes yellow-belt in karate as well 🙂

So how do I manage all that? How do I ensure that I don’t let anything drop off my priority list?

It’s easy. I conquer each moment at a time. I plan for the tomorrows and I have a strategic implementation plan written out for me to follow but day-to-day, I just isolate each task I need to complete and I just do it. It’s not magic. It’s actually extremely simple.

Yes, I still work through some weekends. I do take time off from my children when absolutely necessary (I went on a girl’s trip last August and it was awesome!) Sometimes, I treat myself to a spa or just read a book at night. Sometimes, we need to give ourselves grace in the knowledge that its ok not to be “productive” in the basic sense of the word. Investing in oneself by taking a nap or travelling with girlfriends is just as necessary as going to work in pursuit of the red-hot career you’ve studied so much for.

So next time you wonder how someone like me can do everything she does, remember this golden nugget of advice- anyone can achieve everything, one minute at a time.

Stop setting up expectations and goals that are unrealistic. Think Big Ideas and start designing the plan to achieve those ideas. People with the same energy will be attracted to you and somehow your will is going to be manifested. Keep faithful and surround yourself with friends who inspire you and keep you sharp. Eliminate those who disrespect you, envy you, doubt you or demean you. There is no time for those people in your life.

Shine bright. Dream Big. Spread your wings. You are Worthy. You are Capable.

Conquer. Each. Minute. And you will find a lifetime of success…

Blessings,

SMARTIGNANI

 

Adoption in Ontario

Ok. This is a topic that is near and dear to my heart. I feel compelled to write about it now because honestly, I have been thinking about it most of my life. I would love to present the ever-controversial topic of adoption and dispel some myths surrounding this serious and life-long decision.

I know so many people say that adoption is not a good idea especially if you have your own children. They shift the dynamic of the home and forever change the members in the family. However, my counter argument to this is simply- children of any sort whether biological, fostered or adopted shift dynamics and change lives. That is what God intended when he created them so why would adopted children be any exception.

I will write this blog in terms of myths and try to dispel them as far as I know how. There will be some specific information that I will be unable to transmit because I am not a professed expert on the topic. Hence, I will abstain from providing any false information and I will try to be as factual as possible.

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Myth #1: Adoption is expensive and too long of a process

This may be very true if you would like to adopt internationally or privately. However, in Ontario, “You don’t pay anything to adopt through the CAS. You may even be able to get financial help from the government if you adopt a child through CAS.” This is if you choose, “Public adoption [which] means adopting a child through the Children’s Aid Society (CAS).” In fact, the CAS website clearly states:

Adopting through a Children’s Aid Society is free. It generally takes approximately one year to go through the adoption process. This time period is necessary to find the right match for a child. When we meet with potential families, we are looking for a cultural match, but we also look at the personalities, interests and the needs of a child not just in the short-term, but for their whole life. The matching process is integral to people really understanding what child would fit with them the best.

The cost of adoption depends on a number of variables: the type of adoption you undertake, whether you work with an agency, the province you reside in and any associated travel costs.  It costs very little to adopt through the public child welfare system in Canada.

Range of Adoption Costs

Public (foster care): $0 – $3,000

Licensed Private Agency: $10,000 – $20,000

International: $20,000 – $30,000

Myth #2: Children that are up for adoption are ‘damaged’ or ‘hurt’ and will never recover

I will try to be as objective as possible in replying to this extremely judgmental and painful, albeit common, opinion. Truth is, yes, many of the young wards of CAS have been neglected or dismissed. Adoption.ca states “Loving foster families and ultimately, permanent adoptive families give these children the best chance at successful outcomes and bright futures.” No damage is irreversible. I have worked with children for close to three decades and they were from varying environments with a diverse spectrum of abilities and circumstances. I have even met and taught children who were adopted from Romania where they aren’t touched as infants except to be changed and they become so detached from the world. However, this little girl made it through after 8 years of love and she was thriving beautifully. If you won’t give up on a career or a pursuit of a dream no matter how long it takes, how could you give up on another human being who is little and in need of your love. Be prepared for the damage because no damage is too great for love to handle.

Furthermore, every child is unique. Some have health challenges, some have emotional challenges, some have cognitive challenges. With the right education and preparation, many families embrace the effort to meet the child’s needs. Families need to understand their limits also. Children available through the public system have thorough assessments and are often already receiving helpful services that will continue once they have been adopted.

Myth #3: My children will not be able to accept the adopted child

Here is what the experts say about this:

Whether your biological kid is getting an adoptive sibling or the other way around, you need to prepare the child for an addition to the family. “Talk to your child about how you want to grow your family: ‘I had siblings, and I want you to have them too,'” says Rita Taddonio, a licensed social worker and head clinician at Spence-Chapin, a private, not-for-profit adoption agency in New York. “Kids think everything is about them. You’re making it clear that this is not about your child, so he doesn’t think, ‘I’m not enough.’

“Involve your kid in the preparations by getting him to help decorate the new baby‘s room or pick out toys. If you’re adopting, let your kid attend a family meeting with the social worker and ask any questions he has. Give older kids a role, such as changing diapers or reading books to the new sibling. And make it clear to your child that he’ll still have one-on-one time with you — then plan for it, even if it’s only an hour a week in the beginning, Taddonio says.

Myth #4: Adoption isn’t common

Approximately 1 in 5 Canadians are touched by adoption.

Let this stat sink in.

Myth #5: The birth mother will reclaim the child after I adopt him/her or my child will grow up and seek his/her real family.
Although this is a common fear, it is rooted in your own reluctance to make a commitment. Truth is, once parental rights have been terminated, biological parents cannot regain custody of their children. Also, prior to placing her baby for adoption, a prospective birth mother has the right to change her mind at any time and have her baby returned to her. After the placement, there is a period of time where she can revoke her consent and have the baby returned to her. After that period expires, however, her parental rights to her child are terminated and eventually transferred to the adoptive parents, who will be responsible for raising him/her. The key to preventing a potential birth mother from undergoing a change of heart is to screen her carefully and to make sure she receives sufficient counselling so that she clearly understands her actions and her rights and responsibilities. Remember, too, that until she terminates her rights to her child, she’s not a birth mother. She’s a pregnant woman who’s considering adoption.

 

According to recent longitudinal studies that followed adopted children, searching for one’s birth parents was quite common in adoptions of the past, but not any more. In open adoption today, children — though curious as ever — have less of an interest in meeting their parents. That’s because there’s no burning mystery or dark secret to uncover; they feel secure with themselves and their environment. And in those instance where the do want speak to their birth parents, their adoptive parents will simply pick up the phone and dial the number for them.

 

How you communicate with your adopted child makes all the difference. In open adoption today, a child’s origins are never in doubt. From a very early age, s/he not only knows that the people who are raising him/her are his/her adoptive parents, but in many cases s/he will have a picture or letters from his/her birth parents. All the information is out in the open, should the child be interested in learning more about his/her origins.

Even if they are, encourage them to find their real families when they are older if they choose. They will never forget the love you had for them so it makes it ok. Actually, there is an entire database for them on CAS if they choose called “Finding Your Roots”

Myth #6: I am adopting because I can’t have any(more) children.

Adoption is not a cure for infertility. It’s a way to build a family and share your love with a child whose parents simply weren’t ready or able to become parents. While a child can perhaps soften the pain, disappointment and frustration stemming from infertility, s/he can’t make it disappear. Please don’t place your personal issues, health or otherwise, on the adopted child. You will find that this is too great a burden to bear on the child who has already been through so much. Please be emotionally willing and able to level set your expectations and know that this is a life-long commitment to a human life. There are support groups and networks of families that have adopted that can help you with this.

In essence,  not everything works out the way we’d like it to. Many people, for instance, want to start a family, but for medical reasons are unable to do so. Just because they suffer from infertility, however, doesn’t mean that they can’t — or shouldn’t — become parents. Which is why there’s adoption.

 Myth #7: I am single hence I cannot adopt.

False. A single parent can provide a loving stable home.  Increasing numbers of children live in single parent homes (as the number of two parent homes declines) and thrive beautifully, and increasingly, single parents successfully adopt all the time.

Myth #8: I cannot adopt my foster child.

False. You can and many do. However, if you are seeking a child to be his/her forever home, just skip the fostering and adopt. It will be more challenging if you foster a child, love them like your own then they get adopted and you suffer a great loss.

Myth #9: What should I think about before adopting a child or children?

Ask yourself these questions:

• Can I provide a child with a secure, nurturing and loving home?
• Can I make a long-term commitment to a child?
• Am I ready to take on the responsibilities of supporting and raising a child?
• Am I willing to participate in a multi-step adoption process?
• Am I ready to welcome a child into my family?

If the answer is yes to all of the above questions, then you are ready to learn more about adoption in Ontario and your role as a potential adoptive parent.

Myth #10: People will judge me.

I will tell you this from my heart, people will judge NO MATTER WHAT YOU DECIDE TO DO. Opinions are just that- opinions. They are optional and you don’t have to listen to them. If this is a mission of the heart and you are adopting for the right reasons- mainly to give a child a much needed, loving and stable home and family. Then do it. Stop caring what others think. Do what is calling you.

Here are resources for adoption:

http://www.children.gov.on.ca/htdocs/English/adoption/thinking-of-adopting/index.aspx

1. Learn about the different types of adoption

http://adoption.ca/home

http://www.torontocas.ca/media/adoption-process

Open Adoption

http://adoptontario.ca/

I am ready to adopt- what do I need to do?

http://www.torontocas.ca/contact/interested_in_adopting

If you are still hesitating, please watch this:

 

If you can, and if God has written it on your heart, please adopt a child.

My husband and I were gifted with three beautiful children but we will still pray to adopt a child.

God bless you always.

Smartignani

 

 

Fever Watch = Seizure Watch

So my son is sick again. He is turning 3 in two weeks. He is prone to febrile seizures.

The last time he had an episode was hours before he turned 2 then he had mini-seizures in his sleep. Like two more times. Now he caught a virus from daycare which would normally set other children back 24 hours. Fever and vomiting. For him, having a seizure is a constant threat hanging low over his head. At least for me. His father is stronger than I am.

I am fighting my own demons.

I am constantly watching his monitor. Even at night. It’s a sick obsession. 

I have joined support groups on Facebook that are made up of parents who are struggling with febrile seizures attacking their babies. When I first joined, I read about the sad story of a 3-year-old who was taken from this life by a seizure. It was debilitating. The story and the mother and her advocacy and trying to understand was beyond hopeless. My anxiety increased when I read that story and I started researching even more. There is no known cure nor prevention of febrile seizures. It seems the medical community has just accepted it as a “common event” for children and they “will grow out of it by the age of 5 or 6”.

What?! I can’t sleep out of fear and incapacitating anxiety for 5 or 6 years????

As a mother of a baby who suffers from seizures, I have to confess, there is nothing worse than seeing it happen. The pronounced  shakes, the foaming at the little mouth, the whole-body stiffness, the exhaustion afterwards and he does not even know what is happening. I read other parent’s encounters on Facebook and I write them comments to support them but it’s not good enough. I went to therapy and I paint, knit and even write songs but it’s not therapeutic enough.

We need more research about this. We need to give parents better ways to cope with this. I was told in the Emergency Room by the doctor who finally got around to seeing my son, 5 hours after his seizure- that even Tylenol and Advil and controlling his temperature will not stop a seizure.

So what will?

I wanted to let you know that my son is sick. It’s not a visible illness and it’s not chronic and so many parents tell me to be thankful that it’s not leukemia or a disease that is terminal. Yes. I am grateful. Yes I realize that this may or may not kill him. I know that seizures, on the broad spectrum of what can go wrong are fairly and legitimately unconcerning but…

I STILL HATE THEM!

I hate them every time they occur. Every single second that my son’s body is out of his own control with his eyes rolled up. Every time that he is not “conscious”. I hate their powerful hold over him and over me. I hate how scared I am and how tired he looks afterwards. I hate the fact that he has to get them. I hate not knowing when and how he will get them. I hate not being told that they can be deadly. I simply hate it all.

Despite the fact that they may outgrow the seizures, we will never forget the misery, the worry and the pain of seeing our child this way. Febrile seizures are killing our insides a little bit at a time. There is numbness on the edges of my heart.

I still pray but inside me I am filled with rage and frustration.

I question why certain children get it. Why others don’t? There has to be some research done on precursors- a gene, a chromosome, a virus, a predisposition, something.

There has to be an answer. This is incredibly hard. I can’t explain nor describe the sickening feeling of dread and tight knots in my belly as I watch him on the monitor tonight. It’s like waiting, and knowing, that something really bad will happen.

It’s being ready with clothes on in case you need to go to hospital or call 911. It’s having a packed hospital bag hanging off your stairs banister near the door. It’s having more than 10 bottles of Children’s Tylenol and Advil and Motrin everywhere. It’s the constant, gnawing, persistent and ever-slow tapping on your nerves.  It’s the fervent prayer in the night as you sleep with one eye open while the other watches and counts every rise and fall of the chest. It’s my palm on his chest to check his heartbeat. My heartbeat. We are one and we are connected. I don’t know if I can do this.

If you are reading this and you know how it feels, please know you are not alone. It may be common but that doesn’t make it easier. It may be minor but that doesn’t make it any simpler for us to digest or comprehend. It may be transient or temporary but it is no less traumatizing.

I am left with PTSD as a result of his seizures. I am always anxious and scared to be away from him. I hate the fever/seizure watch with a passion.

I am but a former shadow of myself. I used to be brave and so strong. Now, I am fearful that I will lose one of the sweetest gifts God ever granted me.

Please keep me in your thoughts. And keep him in your thoughts as well.

 

 

 

 

Momming is Hard…

 But seriously…Momming is hard you guys. I really reflected on it the other day as I swiped up on my Facebook timeline and read all the concerns and questions of moms who really just want to do the best for their baby. It’s a whirlwind of confusion and queries.

I wake up randomly and ask questions like “Did all three of my kids get all the shots they needed?” or “Do we need a Pediatrician instead of a Family Doctor?” or “Why is my almost-three-year-old not potty trained- is it me or him?”

These questions haunt me and it stands to reason that I think many questions of vast varieties haunt every mom out there. So I wanted to address some common questions here with some answers that I think will add levity and humour to the situation:

1. Am I being a good mom when I leave my kids and go out with my girlfriends? Yes. You need to leave them to miss them and they need to adjust to others responding to their needs. Daddy or grandparents or babysitter can help them just fine. Have your glass of whatever-it-is with you girls because you have earned it!
2. Is it normal to feel this guilty when leaving my baby at daycare? Yes. What’s not normal is dropping baby off and running away yelling “Start the Car honey, the deed is done!” (Full Disclosure: No one ever does that at our childcare centre but it would be funny). Of course it is normal, oftentimes it is more distressing for the mother than the baby!
3. Is it normal to look at pictures and videos of my children on a date with my partner? No. Stop that. It’s just so silly when people do this. I am kidding. It is normal but we really should stop doing that. We just left them at home like 10 minutes ago and we haven’t even ordered the appies!
4. Is it normal to feel guilty going away on vacation while the grandparents watch the children? Yes it is normal. But you should feel guiltier leaving me behind!!! Just take me with you please? I pack easily- I am told I can be pretty compact! Don’t let your guilt override the relaxation you can have when you are away. Recharging your batteries is healthy for you and for your little ones. You’ve left them with people you trust, obviously, and made arrangements for their care. Enjoy your time away because you earned it! Reconnect with your partner or your inner self or your core or someone…you are on vacation so start vacating!
5. Is it normal to ‘not’ like my kids sometimes? What?! No! You are horrible. What makes you say such a thing. Again, I am totally kidding. There are times where my partner and I want to sell our kids to the highest bidder! It is perfectly normal to intensely wish you could go back to childless days where a mini-version of yourself isn’t standing there with hands-on-hips virtually challenging you in the same tone, and using the same words, you use to manage their behaviour. It’s ok not to like your kids sometimes, it is not ok to not enjoy them at all. That could be signs of depression and that is too depressing to talk about here but we can address it. I struggled with it. Message me if you want to talk about this very serious issue.
6. Is it normal to cry after your child’s birthday party? Yes. First of all, you’re exhausted because you just planned this red-carpet, TIFF-worthy, themed, magnificently-designed birthday party that Princess Kate would be jealous of. Well, that and your child is aging. There is nothing more bittersweet than having you baby grow up. I am always torn between wanting them to stay the exact same age and being excited to watch the little people then adults they become. I can’t tell you how nostalgic, sad, excited and fearful I feel on the birthdays of my children. I am a wreck. I love them so much, my heart aches. I cried like a baby when my middle child turned five two days ago. Why? I remembered bringing her home as a baby then I condemned myself for bringing home her baby brother 26 months later and not giving her enough attention when she was 2. Wow. Mommy guilt is real y’all!
7. Is it normal to regret going on vacation with children? Yes. Simply put, we regret taking our children on every family vacation we take. Then we look at pictures with fondness. Apparently, it gets easier but it sucks when you’re in the moment. Either they get sick, or drive you bonkers with their behaviour. You are exhausted at 9 pm and end up falling sloppily asleep because they were so all-over-the-darn-place and that embarrassing shade of red on your cheeks was mistaken for too much sun or too much blush. Verdict: Take your kids on vacation but don’t expect to LOVE every moment. Just like home, there will be fun and there will be fury. It’s all good. Healthy mix. They should create a miniseries on TVO or something: The Fun and the Furious (Parents on vacation with kids).
8. Is it normal to resent my partner for not being as anxious as me about their development? Yes. But stop it. Face their challenges as they happen not before they do. Then you waste time worrying about things that may not happen and when they do, your defenses are down and you are not strong enough to face them. If your partner seems more relaxed about things, it is to balance you out. It does not help anyone to have both sets of parents stressing over everything when it comes to the children. Make sure you take turns though because it can be pretty exhausting to be the comforter all the time. Our partners need the time to be anxious and worried and they need us to be chill and comforting.
9. Is it normal to feel jealous when my baby wants my partner more than me? Ummm, the question is, what are you doing standing there watching? Dude, go take a shower or do your nails or wax them eyebrows!! Don’t stand there and nurse the emotions of jealousy? Instead, say something like, “Oh, looks like the baby needs YOU right now! I will give you some bonding time and space. You are an awesome parent. Love you!” And then run. Get your shoes on and GET OUT OF THE HOUSE or head to your room. Go for a walk, a stretch, a nap, a shower, a massage, shopping or even drinking. I don’t know. Whatever turns your crank. Just do it. But yes, it’s normal to be jealous. I wasn’t impressed when I did everything for the baby and they would cry or say “Daddy” as their first word. Now, after three little ones, not so much. I just shrug my shoulder and say “Meh, take’em” and find an alternative activity that brings me joy and peace.
10. Is it normal to hear yourself be your mother? Yup. You read that correctly. Sometimes I am so keenly aware that my mother’s words, actions, mannerisms have completely invaded my body and mind and I suddenly become my mom. It may not necessarily be a bad thing for some people but for me, I always wanted to be less anxious, more free and less militant with my kids. I. Am. Not. Let’s put it this way, I hold their hands up and down the stairs until they are at least three years of age. I fed them pureed food much later than necessary to avoid choking. I still need to potty train my almost-three-year-old (can you tell this is a sensitive issue for me currently). The other day I caught myself saying, “Like it or not, you will do what I say because I am your mother and that is that!” – Whaaaaaaat?! That was not in any parenting book I ever read and definitely was not a recommended statement befitting of my relaxed-authoritative parenting style! The struggle is real y’all.

Ok. So what did we learn from all this everybody?

We are not perfect but we are perfect for our kids. Think about that. You are perfect for your child. Your child was created for you and you are everything your child needs. You are sufficient and magnificent with all your flaws and all your imperfections. You are perfectly imperfect and just what your child needs. With your love and patience, your crazy-mommy moments and your tender touch, your baby is blessed by you.

So stay fierce. Just be who you are. Everything you doubt doing is amazing. Your effort is clear to all of us and please just do what is right for your child. Don’t listen to others’ experience because no one else has your baby!

Peace and love y’all.

SMartignani